Oh no!
The world is absolutely teeming with adorable, chubby-cheeked babies. What ever are we to do?
As any self-respecting doomsayer or pundit would know, the only logical response is a well-coordinated plan to ensure fewer of these bundles of joy are born.
Here’s a step-by-step guide to reducing the global birthrate, before those crying nuisances take over the world!
Step 1: Stigmatize Motherhood
First things first, we must paint motherhood as a dire end to personal freedom and career aspirations. Remember, the key to a successful campaign is to portray parenting as incompatible with personal growth. A woman with ambitions should see a baby not as a blessing but a barrier. If motherhood ever starts looking appealing again, we’re off track!
Step 2: Villainize Teenage Pregnancy
Focus intently on teenage pregnancy as the root of all societal evils while skillfully avoiding any discussion about the difference between unmarried and married pregnancy. The goal here is to ignore the context of stable, committed relationships entirely and just blanket all young pregnancies as catastrophic life-enders. Context is the enemy!
Step 3: Deny the Procreation Desire
It’s crucial to downplay the natural desires of high-libido men and women who yearn for a lineage. Let’s pretend these feelings don’t exist. Convince everyone that the desire to reproduce is just a social construct, not a profound, instinctual drive. Better yet, let’s rebrand this urge as outdated and slightly embarrassing. (Call it a “breeding kink”…)
Step 4: Spread Childbirth Fear
Next, we need to amplify every possible fear about childbirth. Focus on the pain, the risks, and the horror stories. If a woman isn’t slightly terrified of the idea of childbirth, then the scare tactics aren’t strong enough. Knowledge about the natural process, pain management, and the joys of birthing? Unnecessary!
Step 5: Cultivate Misandry
An essential component of our toolkit: teach young women that men are the enemy. Promote the idea that independence equals never needing a man for anything—especially not for something as archaic as raising a family. Inject a dose of radical feminism here, painting all relationships with men as power struggles rather than partnerships.
Step 6: Promote Career Over Kids
Emphasize that true success for any individual can only be measured in career achievements. Babies are depicted as cute obstacles on the path to corporate glory. Anyone considering a balance of both career and family should be gently reminded of the impossibility of having it all.
Step 7: Idealize Pet Parenting
Why have children when you can have a pet? Elevate the status of pet ownership to that of child-rearing. After all, pets offer all the love and less of the hassle, right? Plus, they don’t need college funds.
Step 8: Normalize Temporary Relationships
Champion the idea of temporary, non-committal relationships. The more people hop from one relationship to another, the less likely they are to form the stable, loving bonds that lead to families. Long-term commitments should be portrayed as relics of a bygone era.
Step 9: Celebrate the Child-Free Life
Last but certainly not least, celebrate the child-free choice as the only way to live a fulfilled, happy life. Showcase glamorous lifestyles of globe-trotting, sleep-in Saturdays, and spontaneous living. Babies? Who’s got time for that?
And there you have it—a foolproof plan to make sure that the world has fewer babies. After all, what could possibly go wrong by systematically undermining one of the most natural and profound desires of human existence?
